In Memory of Emily Lin Powell

 

Emily was born still on Saturday November 10, 2001
to Tami and Bill Powell.

Below are a few sections of the story as told by Emily's mother, Tami. You can read the rest at http://bluemoondoula.net/family/emily/

.....We arrived at the hospital in just over five minutes (normally takes 15) and walked through the emergency entrance at around 8 a.m. We were told to go right up to OB so we continued walking toward the elevator as everyone told us to wait for an escort and tried to get me a wheel chair. I told them we were continuing up so their nurse escort better be here now. And there was no way I was sitting in a wheel chair! When the nurse saw me work through a contraction while waiting for the elevator she asked if I would like a gurney, and I said very sternly that it was much better standing up. As we waited for the elevator the seconds seemed like an eternity and I started to wonder if we should take the stairs. Then the elevator door opened and closed and opened and we were stepping into the L&D area.

We were met by a nurse confirming that it was us transferring there and we walked to an OR room. They didn’t seem to be quite ready for us and they were unsure if we should be in the room: “don’t touch anything yet.” the nurse said. I was getting quite anxious waiting for Dr. R as Brenda continued to lovingly help me through the contractions.

After a few minutes they told me to go ahead and get on the table and asked everyone to put on masks, etc. Dr. R arrived and I barely recognized her as everyone looked the same in masks and scrubs. Then the longest minute of my life started as she began to look with the ultrasound. After what seemed like an eternity I squeezed Bill’s hand and asked him if they could see anything yet. He reassured me they would tell us as soon as they knew. A few seconds later Dr. R announced that she was sorry, “There’s no heart beat. Your baby has died. I’m so sorry.”

I immediately screamed “NO!” and bill started crying. That moment, the moment of “no” will echo in my heart forever. I then painfully told them to just knock me out and take the baby. I couldn't stand the pain. I was crying and my whole body felt like it was screaming in pain--raw, emotional pain.

Dr. R calmly said that a C/S was not our best option in her mind. It would be better for me to give birth to my baby. She said we should move to another room to discuss our options.....

*****

.....I felt the ring of fire as the baby’s head crowned. The midwives all told me the baby would be out with the next push. She wasn't. Bill assured me her head was right there. Brenda reminded me that I had wanted to catch my baby and I tried not to cry as I told her I couldn't do that now.

I pushed again and again and five pushes after I was told “one more push”, Katy decided we needed to change positions so the baby’s head could get past my tailbone. We very unsuccessfully tried with me pushing on my side through one contraction. The I moved onto my hands and knees to push. Bill was now nearly in front of me and buried my face in his hands. When the next contraction started I clenched my teeth as I prepared mentally and Physically to push my baby out into a world she would never be a part of. Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized I was biting Bill and I stopped before pushing. I closed my lips and concentrated on humming the end of my labor song as I pushed my baby out.

“The baby’s out.” I started to turn around and settle back into the tub. Katy announced for us “It’s a beautiful little girl.”

Katy handed her to me and I looked at her and then around to everyone as I told them her name, “Emily Lin. Her name is Emily.”

I heard Bill begin to cry as I kissed Emily. it was a moment that stands still in time and yet disappeared too quickly. Everything was quiet. I knew as I looked at Emily that she would never cry, would never grasp my finger, would never nurse at my breast, and would never call out “ma ma” to me. But she had already been in my heart for many months and she would never leave.

It was time to move out of the tub and back to the L&D room to deliver the placenta and recovery. Bill couldn't yet hold Emily so while he slipped away for a quiet moment alone I requested that Ellen come and carry her to the room for me. I remember how beautiful Ellen looked as she held Emily--even through the tears I could see all the love in the world in her eyes....

Poem by the Powells friend, Gayle, in memory of Emily:

Wings


You're not with us, dear baby girl
Not the way you ought to be.
Our arms all ache to hold you
Our eyes all long to see.


We love and miss you every day
But we know you understand.
We know you're loved and cared for
In Heaven's endless land.


Although we're not together
We're also not apart.
Emily, you got your wings today
But you live on in our hearts.

 

 


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